In the holiday spirit of giving—which I’m still clinging to, rather stubbornly—I’m going to gift you folks religiously following my blog (religiously, for how else would you follow me?) with something only fancy schmancy travel sites provide.
What am I about to give you?
The gift that you’ll be able to use not only now, in the depressing month of January, but throughout the coming year.
Here are top ten sites I think you should definitely travel to on your next vacation. I know, I’m awesome. Nobody else gives you stuff like I do. Free recipes, odes to beer, travel advice. All in one place. This may be the world’s best blog. Ever. Period.
Without further ado, where to go when you need to go. On vacation, not #2. (Although, I think you can go #2 at most, if not all of these places. But I’d check before squatting, though. Just sayin’…)
If you think this thing is just a bunch of stones…well, yes, that’s exactly what it is. But it was built by the Vikings—I think—who really knew architecture and art. Man, were they great builders! If there was something they knew, it was building. Originally, Stonehenge had a bunch of windows—and walls—and a great big lobby area where the men met to smoke and exchange gossip. Later, the place kinda fell apart, mostly due to wind. Today, you can go there to take pictures and ponder the great questions of life. Highly recommended. I’ve never been there, of course, but I’ve heard good things.
Home of Tarzan, I believe. He may not be home when you visit, but it’s definitely worth a stop. Not to large, and lots of trees to provide a thick shade. Shopping malls abound, too. Just what every tourist needs. While there, you can observe—or join—the invasion of the safari jeeps, which descend upon the unsuspecting animals loaded with aspiring photographers (of Instagram fame). Bring your selfie stick—excellent place to snap wildebeest, who have nothing better to do than pose for tourists.
Tierra del Fuego
Named after a Spanish soap actor who died tragically while squeezing a pimple on his nose. True story. You’ll find it on the bottom of the world, but watch your step—if you come too close to the edge, you could fall off and hurt your knees. Or sprain your backhand, which would be terrible for the upcoming tennis season.
Great Wall of China
A marvel of wall building. Excellent place to run, walk, cycle, or walk your dog (or cat, for cats are people too). Supposedly, the only man-made structure visible from Space. The only woman-made structure visible from Space is this blog. True story.
If you find the stairs too steep, you can take the escalator up to the top. They also have a great elevator inside the mountain, which stops at several bars serving all kinds of Inca favorites, like vodka, whiskey, and sherry (Incas LOVED sherry, true story). This place is great for the elderly, tiny kids, and anyone with respiratory problems.
If you need to know the exact time while in London, just ask Big Ben. I’ve heard he’s always got the right time. Like a Rolex watch, Benji doesn’t just tell time—he tells history. Which is really useful for most people who need to know history. And let’s face it, knowing history is just about as useful as knowing the square root of 1,547. Which every child knows, of course. Duh!
Apparently, this guys isn’t just a rapper…he designs watches, luxury cars, and mechanical pencils. He also invented several new flavors of chocolate. Or is that will.i.am?
You may need to use a protractor to find this place, but once you do—oh man, once you do! What can I tell you about the B-Tri, as the locals call it, except that it’s just a load of good, old-fashioned, family-friendly fun. It’s where Amelia Earhart dropped her keys back in the good old days. Back then the triangle was more in the shape of a circle, which goes a long way to explain her confusion. If you like triangles and bermudas, you’ll LOVE this place.
If you like being chased by mad cows (and who doesn’t!), you simply must visit Pamplona in July. They say it’s the most fun you can have with your pants on. I believe Hemingway, who certainly ran with his fair share of mad cows, ran with his pants off. Something to think about…
Great place for taking pictures, walking, and making new friends. You may think it’s just a book title, but that’s how much you know, you boob! Break out that old world atlas, or look at a map once in a while. It’s not my fault you don’t know geography.
And that, as they say in books, is THE END
Next week on the blog: a serious story.