Lawn moving season opened today in Serbia with a big bang. Literally. Big BANG!
Marko Markovic, last year’s national grass-cutting champ, blew off his nose while starting his newly improved lawn mover, powered by moss and used tissue paper.
Mr. Markovic, architect by trade and grass-cutting fiend by choice, believes in a greener way to trim his lawn. He spent the better part of the winter improving his conventional,, electric mower, replacing the old motor with a new invention that uses only used, reused, and/or reclaimed sources of energy. Such as but not limited to moss (of the forest kind), tissue paper (of the “I just blew my nose into it” kind), and unpaid bills and traffic tickets.
Unfortunately Mr. Markovic, father of six children and owner of several prize-winning pigeons, did not realize fully the power such green sources of energy hold and can, if unchecked, unleash upon the unsuspecting and grass-loving rest of the world.
The mower’s engine exploded during lift-off–that is to say, during the opening stages of the round robin at this year’s World Championships, hosted by eleven cities and twenty seven villages in Central, North-Central, East-Central, Northwestern, and South-Central Serbia, conveniently located in Southeastern Europe, and more specifically, at the heart of picturesque Western Balkans.
Sadly, Mr. Markovic will not be able to defend his title at this year’s contest. His nose is being reattached as we speak at the Black Forest of the Woods Clinic near Lucerne, Switzerland. Doctors are hopeful the operation may repair the aesthetic damage caused to Mr. Markovic’s nose, but would not comment on the long-term damage done to his sense of smell. Failure to repair and perhaps even improve his olfaction will be unfortunate, should it happen, because Mr. Markovic is also a keen smeller of flowers–and has on occasion called bullshit based entirely and only on his power to sense the stench.
As regular folk in this fringe area of the EU that is not officially part of the club but dearly hopes to join sometime during this later decades of the 22nd century open their lawn mowing season, the competitive lawn mowing community gathered at the global tournament in Serbia morns the loss of Mr. Markovic (‘s nose and sense of smell). They will, however, continue with the contest, as most competitors have either already arrived or already booked and paid for their non-refundable plane tickets. Some have even ridden their mowers to Serbia from countries as far as away as Northern Macedonia and Slovenia (consult map or globe, have microscope handy).
Next year’s contest is uncertain, as officials of the International Association of Professional Lawn Mowers have not yet reached a decision about where and even whether to hold the competition in 2020. According to one administrator of this official governing body, lawn mowing will be represented at the 2020 Summer Olympics, so there’s no sense in incurring additional costs (travel, lodging, food, foot massages, etc) by hosting yet another global event.
the importance of being serbian 